breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
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I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.