breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
You Might Also Like
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
