breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
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My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.