Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

90% of life is just having the courage to show up.

The other 30% is just checking the math.

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

I triple waxed for this?

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

finally

In the cyber-farting case, the ex (the alleged farter) is accused of harassment, but all I hear is “her a$$-mint”.

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect