Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆

My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin

her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.

Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*

Me: Is it food?

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

I have a new favorite meme page

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