BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
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me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Reminder:
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.