Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.

Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS

I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt