Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger

I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

*sells my soul*

Devil: I want a refund

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

The government even made aliens boring

[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us

some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.