Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

[at art museum]

Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Me: It needs more yellow

Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

Me: My wife says I never pay attention

Her: I’m not your wife

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off

– airlines airlining

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.