BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
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My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
Me [on the couch]: Well, it was a nice holiday break, but now it’s time to go back to work.
Me: [moves to other end of couch and opens laptop]
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs