Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

Sticker placement is key.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume