Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}

Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?

“No try again”
{Murder sounds}

Ring Around the Rosie?

“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}

(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?

“Yes!”

(I begin to cry)

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs

Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic

(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”

(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school