Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

[6 PM]

Tween:

[7 PM]

Tween:

[8 PM]

Tween:

[9 PM]

Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?

Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them

*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it