Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

I’ll be mad as hell!

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

Them: What’s your writing process like?

Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.

My writing process:

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

At least he tried.. twice.. 😅

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.

No reason

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.