Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule

me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary

*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.

Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Nothing to do, you say?

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude

Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.

My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!

Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…

My kid: So have you!

Me: There it is

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.