*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
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Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Well, this is awkward