Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
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My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Many hands make light work
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
*sewing*
A thread
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.