[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
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My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?