Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.

ME: So I guess this is goodbye.

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

5yo: We should get her two gifts

Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.

5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

signs you’re dating an angel:

– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning

Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.