[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
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I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
mood
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing