Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

Nice mustache, bro.

Her: What?

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”

-oh, u drive a school bus?

“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

I weighed myself today,

then I ate the scale.

Truth

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.

[on the couch having tea]

Me: this is nice.

Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳