Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
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The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.