Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

My typo game is string.

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.

I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

[choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.

you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“