Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

huge valentines day plans this year!!

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.