[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
❤️🦆
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?