Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

Cinematography is my passion

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come

I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.

My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.

[on phone with quit smoking coach]

coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills

me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1

coach: that’s great! what is it?

me: being awake

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?

Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling