Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.

If both don’t work out…eat a cake.

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

Person: What’s your handicap?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.

Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

Brands during Pride

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.