Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.

My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married

*walks up to cashier with paper towels*

Are these the largest tampons you have?

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

Mary had a little lamb.

The doctor fainted.

My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx