Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

Grocery store

Me: reach something for me?

Tall guy: sure thing!

Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.