*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
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I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen