Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”

“no, what’s it called?”

“the Nu variant”

“yeah what’s it called”

“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”

“haha wow, who named it that?”

“yes”

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas

Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.

Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…

Me: Black bread.

Chef: We don’t have that.

Me: Racist.

My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!

That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.

Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?

Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?

Me: we’re texting

Him: I heard it

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

me after drinking all the wine:

My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.

“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”

The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication