Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

Trying

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”