Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.

Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.