Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?

The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that

Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”

Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Alexa play Metallica…

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music

Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…

[company meeting]

Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.

Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]