*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
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[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Me: [Donating my body to science.]
Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick