Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

What a chick magnet..

*at picnic*

Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.

I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

[first date]

Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?

Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

these two trucks have the same bed length

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.