Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]

“Dammit!”

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?

Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

My in-laws are visiting…

This is their homicide note.

Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.

Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol

My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.

Sadly, I got sausages.

I can’t think of a wurst problem!

#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

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The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.

🤣😂🤣

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.