Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

Maybe next year… ☔️

#GreatBritishSummer #Rain

Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?

WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

My dream car is a taco truck.

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

Oh the things that I’d do* to that man

*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.