Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem

I get a cool lever

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

it’s the baby’s birthday! i say happy birthday!!! he says “it feels so nice to be 6 again”

😃 what 😃 do 😃 you 😃 mean 😃 sir

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.

Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?

Me: Absolutely amazing

Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?

Me: You may not

My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.

Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.

Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”

Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner