@GrowlyGrego

*breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I’M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?

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@OneFunnyMummy

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

@dyldonot

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

@fro_vo

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

@KentWGraham

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

@SatansTongue

(Macbeth and lady Macbeth)
“I killed King Duncan”
Macbeth wtf!!
“You told me to!!”
I didn’t think you’d do it omg lmao savage

@AGreaterMonster

As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I’m just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.