Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
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my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
no refunds
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not