@GrowlyGrego

*breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I’M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?

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@mejustbeth

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

@sad_tree

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

@parttimewinner

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

@JustDontBugMe

Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.

@thatdutchperson

[date with girl I met at the park]

Waiter: is everything ok, sir?

Me:*fighting back the tears*

Her:*sigh* he expected me to bring my dog.

@philmann

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

@sumpeoplelikeit

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.