My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
*breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I’M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?
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*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Job: something you do to make enough money to buy three avocados at one time.
[date with girl I met at the park]
Waiter: is everything ok, sir?
Me:*fighting back the tears*
Her:*sigh* he expected me to bring my dog.
Friends are like trampolines. I’ve always wanted a trampoline.
SHIT. NO. GODDAMMIT
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.