*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
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Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
#polloftheday
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?