Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school

Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.

Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

me: what makes you angry

pirate: when someone steals my p

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”

PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly

The options really are this bad

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

The accuracy #BlowsMyMind