I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have Florets.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
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The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
my drafts folder is a lot like all of my exes. they totally made sense in my head at the time, but now I cringe when I look at them.
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I have a fantasy that a big strong man shows up at my door, comes in unannounced & slowly, quietly & methodically renovates my bathroom
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.