*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
You Might Also Like
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.