@mrtruthandsoul

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

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@OFalafel

I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have Florets.

@jake_likes_naps

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

@NervousJr

my drafts folder is a lot like all of my exes. they totally made sense in my head at the time, but now I cringe when I look at them.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*

Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?

“Sir, do you mean matinee?”

Dammit

@Ygrene

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

@MissHavisham

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

@marebytes

I have a fantasy that a big strong man shows up at my door, comes in unannounced & slowly, quietly & methodically renovates my bathroom

@juicymorsel

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.