*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
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I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.