Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”

Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.

Me: But my vision sucks.

Optometrist: Exactly.

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.

Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10

TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice