@MartaEffing

[breakup talk]

H: Gimme one last chance!
M: How can I trust you again?
H: She meant nothing to me!
M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!

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@DaddyJew

*tries to learn from mistakes*

*pokes son*

hey, teach me something

@milehighocd

Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.

Her: Why?

Me: *stabs fork into eye*

@curlycomedy

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

@freypalm

College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.

Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.

@fiImsbi

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

@PurelyYours1

My stomach just made a really weird noise. So I’m just going to send a pizza down to check it out.

@thestlouisan

Oh, lovely. You’re doing your jogging in the street. Where cars drive.