cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
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HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
sir, my pâté if you please
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”