*tries to learn from mistakes*
hey, teach me something
H: Gimme one last chance!
M: How can I trust you again?
H: She meant nothing to me!
M: Not that. You bought lite sour cream!
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Me: You ask so many questions that I want to stab a fork in my eye.
Me: *stabs fork into eye*
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My stomach just made a really weird noise. So I’m just going to send a pizza down to check it out.
i get ignored so much
my name should be terms and conditions
Oh, lovely. You’re doing your jogging in the street. Where cars drive.