Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met

me: ok

[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?

me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.