Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

I put the I in Insufferable.

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

all the leaves are brown

and this guy is greg

Waiter: Dessert’s on me.

Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?

When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

ME: Is this the “new normal”?

SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.

Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.

Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…

Me: That’s all I got my man.

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way