Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
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It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
every olympics i turn into this guy
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug