Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
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I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.