Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
You Might Also Like
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
The funk soul brother
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.