[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
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I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*