Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

Her: “Your funny”

Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.

No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.

My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with

[crane rental company]

Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.