Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

[Fancy Restaurant]

Host: May I take the lady’s coat?

Me: Please.

Host: And yours sir?

Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

[talking to a date]

“I hate rushing into relationships.”

[talking to a new friend]

“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”

Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?

I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit