Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

When they try to steal your moment.

Sorry I missed your call

I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.

Why spend money on a paper shredder?

Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.

“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”

– inventor of velcro

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]

Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!

“Toilet paper?!”

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.