Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”

[making out in a club]

her: wanna go to the bathroom?

me: no I’ve just been thanks

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

I’m listening

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.

Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

[baking a cake]

Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?

Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know

Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast

Me:

Niece:

Me: you’re my favorite

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

I feel this so hard

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

This raises questions

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?