Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
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I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye