Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.

If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.

I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now

are americans worse off?

in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

BRAAAAAIDS

-zombie sleepover

I love art.

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

I tuxedo what I tuxewant.

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.