Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
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My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
This rocks
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time