Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
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I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation