Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
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I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Some people were born into their job.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]