Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
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Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
stop
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂