Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
You Might Also Like
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I hate everything
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️