Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
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You are not alone 💚
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me