Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

A family that plays together cheats.

As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

I fold.

Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

British websites use biscuits.

I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.

I have the body of a 30yr old

Sofa.

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

Solving a traffic jam

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.