Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
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Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
This will teach them to underestimate me
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.