Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
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Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?
Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time