Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

🤣

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.

If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]