Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.

Flock of bats

[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”