Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

Me: It’s cold out there today!

12: How cold?

Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright

12: *sighs*

It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching

My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly

Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?