Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

Me: *Spitting out teeth*

Her: Omg what happened?

Me: I ate too many of them

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.

…No, YOU shut up.

Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?

Me:

aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this

Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.

I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.

crazy

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.