Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

JUDGE: That THING cannot enter

ME: But Inky is my pet

OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*

INKY NOOOOo

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

{first date}

Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek

Date:…

Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten

Date: *leaves*

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”