Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?

*pronounces patio like ratio

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.

YES MY CHILD

Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!

Why is peter pan always flying?

He neverlands.

I like this joke because it never grows old.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

A service where you bring a working printer to my house, I print the one thing I need, and you leave again until next year

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

Staring out into the horizon..

Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic

[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]

Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??