[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
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She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
scared to check what name she chose
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.